Why Utah is better than Oregon.

When I got home from work today I lovingly kissed the top of a cat’s pleasantly fuzzy head and smelled poop. He had poop on his head. I kissed cat poop.  This isn’t the first time this has happened.

I am exhausted. I wasn’t expecting a drive to Utah to take so much out of me!  Between the 12 hour drive (one-way) and then the whole day of apartment hunting that made Husband and I grumpy, dehydrated, and almost at each other’s throats, I don’t want to go on any road trips for a long while. The trip was pretty uneventful, and I didn’t go to any Mormon compounds (I don’t think so), so sorry, no crazy Mormon stories for you. But I do have a list! (Note: I still like Oregon very much, but it’s been pissing me off lately, so read this and learn, Oregon!)

Why Utah is better than Oregon:

1. It’s the dry, pleasant climate of Los Angeles (no 90 straight days of rain! YAY!) with the friendly, welcoming culture of the Midwest. This means you get to have the sun and warmth without the pollution, overcrowding, and drive-by shootings, as well as the overall niceness and community feel without the racist Bible Thumpers. Basically, you don’t have to worry as much about being stabbed and preached/screamed at streetside here. Mormons are nice, yo!

2. You have the outdoor beauty and opportunity you get in Portland, without the “apathetic,” PBR-drinking, stocking hat in summer with too-big glasses wearing, hipsters that grace us with their presence every day on Portlandia’s streets, walking with their too-long strides and slumped shoulders while listening to “Oh, you’ve never heard of them” band like they don’t care what you think of them. I don’t like you Hipsters!

What is that, a plaid afghan?

3. Everything seems nice, new, and stretched out! Maybe it’s because Utah is one of the younger siblings in the United States family, but most businesses and houses in the southern part of Salt Lake City look like they’ve only been built in the past 5-10 years so everything just seems more organized. Streets are on a grid and numerical, and not half-assed like Portland. My mind soars! The highways are so well planned and wide, usually at least three lanes! That means more room to drive FAST to where you need to go, instead of being stuck in traffic at rush hour or being road-blocked by the asshole in the left lane driving the speed limit. Which brings me to my next point:

4. You can drive FAST in Utah! The speed limit on all the interstates is 75, suckahs! I swear, Boise is technically the halfway point in between Portland and Salt Lake City, but because the limit in Oregon is so damn slow, it takes you seven whole hours to get to Boise, while it then only takes five to arrive at Salt Lake City! All that slow driving in Oregon costs you two whole hours in the damn car! What is WRONG with you Oregon? Why do you want everyone to drive so SLOW?! You’re like Grandma in the back seat yelling “Slow down! Too fast! You’ll kill someone at this speed!” You’re so dumb Oregon!

More like “Welcome to Good Driver’s Hell.”

5.  I’m still hung up on the driving aspect. Utah drivers actually drive fast and move over when you want to pass them. One of my biggest pet peeves is the way people drive in Portland and the state of Washington as a whole. On the interstates they will hang out in the left lane in a 65 mph zone and drive, well, 65! They will drive just as fast as the car right next to them in the right lane (the SLOW lane, mind you) and when you drive up behind them, they pretend you’re not even there! It’s like their mind is saying: “Derp a derp a derp. This car in the right lane here must be lonely so I’m going to keep them company and be their buddy for the next 20 miles. Derp a derp a derp.” I pull up a little bit (not tailgating too close, mind you!) to give them a more obvious signal that I’m right there behind them, wanting to pass and go faster, but they still don’t get the hint! Somehow, probably unknowingly, they inch slowly past the car in the right lane, and I, fed up with just waiting around for them to do the obvious, pull to the right hand lane in order to pass from the other side. They see me! “OMG another lonely car! I’ll speed up and keep them company too!” To avoid rear-ending the fast approaching Semi I brake hard and pull in behind the same car again in defeat, maybe riding their ass until my exit just to spite them, even though they probably don’t even notice.

This is how I imagine they “parallel park,” too.

6.  With 0-20% humidity, the climate is ideal for healing sunburns when you need to peel off that dried up, translucent epidermis. To the housekeeping staff at the Best Western Timpanogos Inn in Lehi, Utah: I am sorry for what you found on the floor of our hotel room when we checked out Friday afternoon.  You probably thought we had smuggled a molting python in with us. I am incapable of controlling my urge to peel or pick at things, including the before mentioned sunburn, scabs, cuticles, and finger/toe nails. Sunburns are my worst weakness; grabbing the dried edge of the flipped up piece of skin like when you remove the tape seal off a DVD or CD, gently pulling so that it doesn’t tear and you have the satisfaction of picking off the longest, most in-tact piece possible. You feel like you win every time.

7.   Rumbi’s. As you can see from their website, most of their locations are in Utah for some reason. They serve delicious Hawaiian/ Caribbean food (there were things like fish tacos on the menu) and I am their newest fan. Apparently a lot of Hawaiian Mormon converts ended up moving to Utah back in the day. Oh, and there was also coconut rice.

Me + Coconut Rice

8. The cost of living is a lot cheaper than Portland, I’ll tell ya! First, of all, gas is like 50 cents cheaper. Second of all, I feel like paying a Sales tax instead of an Income tax works out for the best when you aren’t a big spender. Also, we were looking at a 3 bedroom/2 bathroom apartment, roughly 1200 square feet that was only $1,150 a month! That’s including parking, water, sewage, Comcast cable TV, two pools, and a fitness center! Cha-CHING!

9. These babies. I could look at them aaaalllll day. The Cascades have got NOTHING on these (The Wasatches).

It’s like landscape porn.

10.  There are DINOSAURS there!

P.S. I found out how to do picture captions! Be proud of me!

P.P.S. I apologize for all the swears and hope it doesn’t hinder anyone from reading my blog.

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