**Note: Before I start, you should know of my tendency to make lists, and I’m not just talking about a list of what to pick up in groceries at Safeway tonight. Last week on a short bus ride to downtown, I made in my head a list of reasons why I hate curling irons, and then another while trying to fall asleep last night about canned soup; the kind that is concentrated so you have to add a can of water to it (I am holding back the rage and the need to write a whole post just about how much I hate this). I have made dozens of lists, but you’re S.O.L. because I didn’t write any down (seriously, who cares about how much I hate screw-off beer bottle caps?) until today…
**Second Note: I am not looking for a sympathetic response to this list. Please laugh, it’s okay.
***Third Note: I just realized that I typed “short bus ride” up there. The word “short” is in reference to length of time spent on bus or distance traveled, not length of bus. I don’t do “special ed” jokes.
Why today makes me feel bad about myself
1. I woke up late at 8:20am to go to Work (I usually get up at eight so that I arrive at around nine) but it didn’t phase me at all and I got there with time to spare. What have I been wasting my time doing those extra twenty minutes almost every day for the past three years? I can’t help but add up the amount of sleeping time that equals and then feel enraged because I love sleeping. I love sleeping like a fat Texan loves his ribs slathered in barbeque sauce with coleslaw and biscuits on the side. I never fail to amaze The Husband with how much I can sleep when there isn’t an alarm clock involved (which is all day). Saturday mornings are like an all-you-can-eat BBQ buffet, so I guess that makes me the fat Texan and then I feel lazy without purpose in life.
2. Before I could brush my teeth I had to clean up poop. No, not my poop (because that would make it okay?), Cat #1’s poop. And not from the litter box, my bedroom floor.
3. I have a certain travel mug that I use to transport my daily cup of dark roast to Work. It’s the perfect size and is made of metal so it’s my “perfect coffee mug.” I forgot said mug at my place of working and didn’t want to spend the extra time and energy getting a back-up mug out of the upper cabinet, so I said “screw it” and bought a cup of coffee from the annoying hipster cafe next door to Work. Apparently laziness and the common sense of a five year old costs $1.50.
4. My lunch today consisted of limp lettuce, brownish broccoli, and flaccid tomatoes (dang it! If there is another word for flaccid that starts with “T” I can’t find it) because I’m too lazy to go to the grocery store and buy fresh produce. I topped it all off with expired hummus dressing and a too-soft apple. Apparently laziness and the common sense of a five year old also costs my stomach’s dignity.
5. I wore sunglasses and earbuds on my walk home from Work even though it wasn’t sunny and I wasn’t listening to music just so I would not feel bad about ignoring the raving smelly homeless man asking for money on the I-5 off ramp. I’ve been chased by him before. Well, maybe it was more like I was running away from him because I didn’t have any change when he asked very violently and he ran too because he wanted to get away from whatever I was running from.
6. I walked around to the other side of my apartment building to avoid taking the stairs to my place of living and ride the elevator instead. So I basically walked for a long distance so I wouldn’t have to walk…a long distance…
7. I talked myself out of going for a run today because of the long distance I just walked.
8. I verbally gave props to one of my cats for barfing in the food bowl instead of the carpet. I was actually really happy about this.
9. I verbally gave props to my cats for pooping in the litter box instead of the carpet. I was twice as happy about this.
10. I made this list.
1. If you are a fat Texan then I am a morbidly obese Texan.
4. You should ALWAYS have Yumm sauce on hand. But I shouldn’t talk because I don’t have any at all.
5. I hope you are still taking your mace to work for times when smelly homeless men are chasing you.
6. Silly Sarah-Malsh.
8. Silly kitties.
10. I love this list.