How I have a codependent relationship with Facebook.

First off…

What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? This guy (even though he doesn’t technically have thumbs).

It was only a matter of time until one of them showed up on here, but in all seriousness, this picture is a representation of what my mood is right now. This is a visualization of sloth, satisfaction from a full belly, and a slight interest in the episode of Friends playing in the background (Lisa Kudrow is being reflected in his eyes, can you see?). Oh, and also awesomeness.

You may notice my blog’s change in wardrobe. I decided I like this outline better since it has all these cool things on the right hand side to help blog readers! I spent about 45 minutes going through all the options WordPress gives you before I told myself to stop obsessing and just suck it up and make a decision already.

Okay so you now may also notice those hyphens appearing after each picture on this post and the last. I can’t get the Visual or HTML side (<br>, <p>, etc.) to hold a space after those captions and it’s driving me crazy! If anyone knows how to fix that, please let me know! If I don’t put those hyphens in there, the next paragraph is right up in that caption’s business and the OCD part of me cannot let that be so!

Anywho, my relationship with Facebook has become complicated and is really started to wear on me. We started out as friends, maybe meeting up once every few days over a cup of coffee to talk about life and even share a picture from a concert or beer festival we recently attended. It was casual, simple, and we just “got” each other.

Then we both went through some changes and started seeing each other in a different light. Facebook received several face lifts (you’re just going to have to get used to the puns), I started to realize that my life had some meaning, and we took our relationship to the next level. It was similar to that stage in a relationship when you first start dating and you can’t get enough of each other. I would get emails from Facebook saying people were posting on my Wall and I would eagerly look to my Newsfeed for updates from friends, even posting my own updates because my new meaningful life was now worth sharing with EVERYONE. Whenever Facebook enhanced its appearance or changed things around, I ardently defended it because this was LOVE damn it! We were the perfect couple, knowing exactly what the other needed when they needed it.

Then things started turning south. I still loved Facebook, but since we were now spending every day and night together I started to not like everything I was seeing. You know the first time a significant other farts in front of you, or pees with the door open? Things are just…weird. It’s a case of “over-sharing” that results in bad smells and awkward conversations about bathroom door etiquette. It’s times like these when you need to take a break from each other, just grab some space and a moment to yourself.

But Facebook won’t let you. It’s always there, waiting for you to type in its URL or choose from your browser’s “Favorites.” It’s manipulated you with photos of babies and videos of cute animals to trick you into thinking you will always need Facebook to satisfy your need for photos of babies and videos of cute animals. You rely on it to remind you of your friends’ birthdays and weddings and parties. It actually starts coming between you and your friends. You’re tired of the forceful artsy Instagram photos of lawn chairs, power lines over blue sky, pursed faces wearing sunglasses, and “look what enlightening book I’m reading to appear smart while I drink my latte and eat this artisan sandwich.”

Or one of these. Found this baby on Hot Guys Reading Books

You’ve had enough of the day by day updates on pregnant friends’ morning purges and waist sizes, and the passive shouts for attention (“I’m so mad right now!” a.k.a. “Someone please ask me what’s wrong so I can rant about it publicly and feel important!”). You unfriend and unsubscribe galore but still find yourself clicking on that “Home” page because you’re yearning for updates on friends’ relationship statuses, baby photos, and what people spelled on Words With Friends. It’s time for some serious separation.

Apparently, Home = Crack.

As you try to cut back, Facebook desperately turns to stalking and scrambling to please you with customized ads, pestering you at the end of every news article or humor website post with a crazed grin: “Do you want to share this on Facebook?” “Do you want to Like this on Facebook?” “Huh? Huh? HUH?!”

See what I mean? Go away, Facebook! No one likes you!

I’ve since given up and will just have to get used to my unhealthy codependent relationship with Facebook. I know I’ll never quit you, Facebook, no matter how hard I try! Maybe I can turn the tables and start stalking it by spamming its feeds with duplicate updates from all my new blog posts and Tweets! Yes. Yes! YES!!! BWAHAHAHA!

Husband and I will be heading off to visit Utah tomorrow so we can find a place to live. We have a single day there before we drive back again, so if you promise to wish us luck, I’ll come back with some crazy road trip/Mormon conversion stories, even if I have to make something up!

One thought on “How I have a codependent relationship with Facebook.

  1. Haha, I wish I didn’t relate so well to this.
    Hope you have a good time in Utah – and yes, come back with some stories! I really enjoy your blog.

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