I almost left the comma out of this post’s title. Don’t hit and run kids!

Also, best use case of “DAMN YOU AUTOCORRECT!”

I made the stupid decision to drive through SW Portland at 3:30 in the morning. My friend told me I could stay the night, but damn it I wanted my comfy bed and a cat under each arm while I slept before I drove four hours to my parents the next morning. I look back and curse my stubbornness and inability to sleep well in unfamiliar beds.

I pull up to a stoplight with my right turn signal on, another car is across the intersection with their left turn signal blinking away in the dark.  I’m singing over Katy Perry with close-to-sweet-desperation:

I got the eye of the tiger, the fighter, dancing through the fire
Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR

The light turns green and I timidly pull forward to make sure I get my entitled “right of way.” The car graciously lets me turn and they pull in behind me. Alright, I’m on Scholls and will be home in approximately ten-ish minutes. The speed limit is 30, so I’m going 39 like a rebel with Katy Perry singing the soundtrack of my drive home that night:

You held me down, but I got up
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, your hear that sound
Like thunder, gonna shake your ground

<BAM>

And that’s when the car’s headlights suddenly appear in my rear-view mirror and the car rams into my behind like a spastic Saint Bernard in heat.

“GAH!”

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING?”

“ARE THEY STOPPING?”

“OH HELLS NO!”

As I pull over to the side of the road, the car proceeds to pass me, pulling into the other lane and speeding away, their license plate clearly visible on the well-lit road.

“I GOT YOU! I GOT YOU, YOU STUPID BASTARD!”

I chant the license plate out loud like a mantra so I don’t forget it and immediately dial the Beaverton dispatch from memory (thanks to my days at SARC) to report the hit and run. I have their license plate, make, model, color, all wrapped up with my anger. VINDICATION! Within ten minutes they send out a Washington County Sheriff’s deputy who even tried to track the car on the way, but was unable to catch them driving. I didn’t care, they weren’t getting away with this!

What baffled me and the deputy was the fact that the car was driving behind me, with knowledge of my location in front of them, for at least 10-15 seconds before they hit me. Were they drunk? Were they texting “LOL” to their adorbs bestie? Were they just crazy as hell? Who knows, but they were getting arrested that night. The deputy, who was extremely helpful and comforting throughout the whole process, sent someone out to check the registered address of the car, which was the 21 year old woman’s parents, but she wasn’t there and they didn’t know she had the car. He told me to go home and get some sleep (it was now around 4:45 am) and that he would track her down that night.

I got home at around five and my phone rang. The deputy tracked her down already and was on his way to arrest the woman. That was that!

VINDICATION!

I went to the doctor and my neck is just strained, but it still smarts some while the bumper of my car only has some small marks on it. Honestly, if she would have stopped, I would have taken a look at the minor damage to my car and said not to worry about it. For realsies peeps, don’t hit a car and then drive off. It’s a misdemeanor only if you don’t cause any harm, but if you do, it’s a Class A felony! Also, it’s a super dick move.