This one is about kissing.

Posted on 03/12/2013 by onomatosarah

How do people feel about kissing on the first date? This is a first date with someone you only met once before at a noisy bar. You had a pretty great date; there was a lot in common, a lot of laughing and joking around, but is that enough for the whole thing to be sealed in a single closed-mouth kiss? Still reeling with contending emotions when I woke up this morning, I promptly went and Googled “first date kiss.” A lot of people have a lot of things to say on this subject.

This is what I image most of these article-writers look like. They all thing they have "the right answer."

“Read my article about love! I have the right answer, not all of those other douche bags!”

There is a surprising amount of people online saying that it’s NOT a good idea to kiss after the first date. This article says that holding off on that kiss can say “I see long-term potential in you” which seems a bit overly-analyzed and too much “I like you and want to have your babies” thinking for me. Then, this one says it is a way to show the other person that you have self control and are patient enough to wait until a better time (it also uses all versions of the word “seduce” and kind of creeped me out).

Careful, he's seducing as your read this.

Careful, he’s “seducing” as you read this.

This guy even lists some very specific reasons, including the fact that he just doesn’t like kissing people he knows very little. The kiss can hold so much value to some people and and can come with certain expectations (second date, interest in a relationship, sex) so he recommends avoiding it altogether to prevent leading someone on, not to mention potential awkwardness if the other person does not want to receive the aforementioned kiss. The article is from a man’s point of view (usually the person initiating the kiss) so it didn’t do much for me on the receiving end but it was enlightening to see how much pressure is put on guys in general when it comes to ending the first date. I am truly sorry for you.

Pictures: Guy about to implode from pressure t not ask if her carpet matches her curtains.

Pictured: Guy on the verge of imploding due to resisting to ask if her carpet matches the curtains.

Why do we obsess about these little things? I went on to read other articles that said kissing is good to do at the end of the date just for the purpose of expressing interest in the other person and making it clear that you want a second date. Apparently it’s all about signals and blah blah blah.

This is seriously a foreign language to me and what is up with all the subtlety? Why don’t you just say “Hey, I like you and we should see each other again?” Why does it have to be some sort of game with rules, expectations, and non-verbal signals that I don’t understand or detect? If it’s supposed to be some sort of game or sport my expectation is to constantly be fearful of this kind of public embarrassment:

As I re-enter the dating world I have some mixed emotions about all this beating around the bush. When you date in high school and college you are dating younger men that you probably have known for a bit since you most likely run in the same circles. There are no “blind dates” or worries about first impressions since you are already acquainted with your date. You’re young and just looking for new experiences, not in your late twenties watching your generation settle down with long-term relationships. I miss the carefreeness of it all but this was my life 6 years ago.

It’s nice to know I am going out with men that are more settled and sure of themselves financially and career-wise. I know he can mostly likely afford to pick up the check or the gas on an excursion and will never ask me to lend him some money so he can buy an Xbox (yes that has happened to me). I know that men in their late twenties/early thirties are most likely on the same page as me goal-wise since we have already left behind that peak in our lives when we figure out who we are and what we want so are already underway toward living our lives.

Sorry, Hipster Barista, you're not my type.

Sorry, 22-year-old Hipster Barista, you’re not my type.

So my answer to the question “Should you kiss on the first date?” is: WHO THE HELL CARES?! Just do whatever you want and if it’s weird, it’s weird! You’ll learn from it and move on to either a second date where you laugh about awkwardness or you never have to see the person again and your problem is solved!

Crap, I’ve morphed into Carrie Bradshaw. Can I please have her apartment sans giant mole?

I will take Mr. Big, though.

So apparently the world might end today…

Posted on 12/21/2012 by onomatosarah

It’s December 21, 2012. The world is supposed to end today, isn’t it? I wonder if it will at 12:12 or 12:21? In my mind all the ones and twos will align and cause the world to implode. So since the end of the world might be today, I encourage you all to complete everything on your bucket list. Because of the late notice, it will need to be adjusted accordingly (or completely rewritten) so here are the ones I’ve completed so far:

1. Visit Scotland and Ireland… or just go to Portland for the day and talk to strangers in a heavy Southern accent to create some sort of alienation toward myself.

2. Go sky diving again…or jump off before the last five stairs with my eyes closed.

3. Accompany someone famous on the piano…or play a CD of Mariah Carey singing “All I Want for Christmas is You” and plunk along while wearing sunglasses to make myself feel really cool and professional

4. Go to Antarctica and touch a penguin…or when it’s below freezing go to the zoo and stare longingly at the penguins with my hand pressed against the too-thick glass.

5. Publish a New York Bestseller…or publish this blog. You’re welcome.

Good luck!

5 ways to stave off boredom whilst home alone (that have nothing to do with the internet).

Posted on 12/06/2012 by onomatosarah

When the weather turns all icy and soggy (only in Oregon is it both these things at the same time) and the sun goes down at lunch time, there’s only so much you can do to keep yourself sane until it’s Spring again. Believe me, I love love love Christmas and all the schtuff that comes with it; I love the presents, songs, family time, pie…OOOOOO do I love pie….

Oh, and Cool Whip, too.

That’s pumpkin pie by the way, just in case you were wondering. The reason I eat pie may be 25% “because it’s pie” and 75% “because I can put Cool Whip on it.”

But back to the woes of being stuck inside all winter. I mostly dread the time after the holidays, when there’s no Christmas magic to get me through the dark, dreary day. If it snowed more on this side of Oregon it wouldn’t be so bad, but all there is is rain rain rain and more rain. Yeah yeah yeah, I purposely live in Oregon and should just deal with what I got but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. But when you find yourself home alone and are tired at staring at a computer all day, here are some things I do to pass the time. If you have anything to add to this list, please share it – I’m always interested to know how other people pass the time by themselves, especially if it’s awkward and unusual.

Read a book… to your pets. I’ve mentioned this before, but reading aloud to your pets can be very soothing and time consuming, especially if your goal is to finish a whole book. Plus, pets love it when you talk to them. You’ll have a captivated audience and maybe even discover some unusual incites in the process.
Organize your books and movies by genre, instead of alphabetizing. There is only one way to alphabetize, so mix it up a bit by going through each item and determining if it belongs in “Action,” “Thriller,” “Disney cartoon,” or “Weird Anime that I watch once a year when I desperately need to escape the real world.”
Take a walk in the rain. Don’t take an umbrella. A rain coat is okay. Yes, you may feel like a drowned rat while pitying commuters pass you by in their SUVs, with the occasional puddle splashing you in the face, but the freedom you will feel is astounding. Just take my word for it.
Turn on the TV and adjust your dial to the Hallmark Channel. It’s Christmas time and they’ve got some amazingly Christmas-y, cheesy stuff that will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Until the end of December these movies are on 24/7. Hallmark is like an old friend – always around when you need heartwarming tales of people finding true love during the holidays and whole towns coming together to help single destitute mothers on Christmas Eve.
Put some Enya on at a high volume in your living room and pretend this is your debut with the New York City Ballet. Optional: Your pets can be your audience again as you gracefully pirouette and plie across the carpet. You’ll feel like that one famous ballet dancer. Just try it, it will be great. Another option to mix things up: Do it naked.

Here’s one way to use a Bible (and it doesn’t involve reading).

Posted on 11/21/2012 by onomatosarah

Let me introduce you to someone…

Meet Chester.

Yup, that’s a FACE growing out of my wrist. Ok, just kidding, the face is an aftermarket add-on but the tumor part of it is all real, baby.

Here’s a side shot for your viewing pleasure:

Well, hello! I didn’t see you there!

The less scary word I use to describe this bad boy, besides “Chester,” is: cyst. My sister, the nurse, informed me that it’s made up of either air or fluid and might go away on its own. Since it doesn’t hurt, I don’t really care about getting it surgically removed, but she said I could get rid of it by slamming it with a Bible. I suppose the “Bible” part of that recommendation is that the cyst is actually evil and Jesus will scare it out of my body, but mostly I think it’s because the Bible is usually a gigantic heavy tome and therefore worthy of smashing in Chester’s smiling face.

So, I actually tried to do that – smash Chester’s face in with a Bible. I think the main problem was that my Bible has a malleable leather cover and there wasn’t really anything “hard” about it so much as “heavy,” but when I lifted that “gigantic tome” and brought it down on top of my wrist, the first thing that went through my head was SHEER PAIN. The second was something not appropriate to type. Chester was still intact, staring blankly up at me, of course, and did NOT appreciate being smacked on the side of the head with “The Good Book.” The third was “Thank GOD (heh) I did this while home alone.” WHY did I ever think this was a good idea? Do other people actually do this?! They got to be out of their freakin’ minds?!

So Chester is here to stay, for the time being. Maybe he will just disappear some day, or maybe I’ll get fed up with his antics and curb-stomp him on the side of the dining room table during Thanksgiving dinner. For now he’s my “little friend” that pops up to visit when I shake people’s hands or purposely make him say “Hi” to gross people out. He’s the Robin to my Batman, the Bucky Barnes to my Captain America, the Patrick to my Spongebob. In my head his voice sounds like Skeeter from Doug, or maybe more like Bobby from Bobby’s World, and he likes to discuss things like the merits of shopping on eBay in order to support all the “little sellers,” how Portland hipster-beloved IPAs are highly overrated (ew), and the value in establishing your own Roth IRA before you turn thirty.

Say goodbye to all the people, Chester.